Heart beats in my ear

I hear my heart beating fast and loud very often. I always wanted to be this adventurous, unstoppable, explorer. Little did I know that not always would the heartbeats in your ears make you feel alive. What if it makes you feel more distant and unaware of your own body and mind? What if I said it makes me fear and doubt myself?

Yes, it was a panic attack. It took me surprisingly long to understand what was happening in my body, or head. I had incidents where I see myself being quiet and lonely, yet hearing the loud heartbeats in my ears for no apparent reason, or a very petty one. I became fragile to every new change that occurred in my life. I couldn't take that I was going lower, and lower every day and my self confidence was shattering, piece by piece. I had never been so low about myself. I break easy, I heal easy, and guilt trip myself the easiest.

About a year ago, I was this ruthless bold girl who would not need anything other than her own perseverance and will power to achieve anything that I decide. I made my life the way it is now, and my well-wishers are extremely proud of me for that. I was the odd one out, somehow, but I was confidently weird. Things were not that easy, but I'd do them anyway. I wouldn't do things that are ideal or expected from me. Many wouldn't like that unpredictability but that never bothered me. That girl inside me has buried herself so deep that I cannot even feel her anymore. I lead an emotionally challenged life now. I don't understand why I feel a certain way about things which never mattered to me earlier, and the things which are actually to be dealt with great focus and presence of mind. With this emotional instability, I would never know what I actually want to feel. I fail to feel the emotions of people who genuinely care for me and want nothing but my well being. It becomes so heavy, that I wouldn't want to move my body a bit. Sit on a chair staring into nothing, not being aware of the number of unattended calls and messages from my dear ones. I am the darkness I wouldn't want to surround myself with.

Is this what a mental breakdown feels like? Is this what happens when you are too weak to handle life? When / does this ever get better?

I forget everything when there are people around me. So much that I doubt myself to be pretending that there's anything wrong with me at all. I don't understand or recognise myself anymore. The moment I'm all by myself, these thoughts of anxiety come crowling up to me in no time. I started learning new things, tried and pulled them out pretty well too, isn't that supposed to work? Am I not doing it the right way? I wished to learn things by living on my own and away from family and comfort. I realised that maybe this is not what I thought would work for me. It breaks my heart, wrenches my soul to see that everyone moves on and gets better with time. While I'm still standing there with a fist in air, waiting for a hand to grab on and be pulled out. I feel a vacuum inside me that holds the capacity to suck me in as I get closer to my room of empty space, which is never really empty. I yearn for presence of people around me. I don't want to sleep, but I wish to sleep and never get up again. I don't dream anymore, it's only nightmares.