I saw you for the first time

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I saw you for the first time

When you were standing with your friends.

I had known a little about you then,

That little fascinated me.

Somewhere inside my heart I knew,

You were special.

Mysterious, shy, less expressive you were

But had a smile which

would win the world.

That smile of a kid,

twinkling eyes and

those crooked teeth.

I adored you,

You were beautiful.

Still are, (no matter how much you hate me now.)

You are beautiful.

You liked me even before I knew who you were,

I was flattered.

I started liking you a little later,

You were that “ teenage crush”,

I always wanted to impress.

I imagined you looking at me from a distance,

Staring at me from somewhere,

So I always was on my toes when you were around.

Single child, loved by all,

I believed in the word BLESSED when I looked at you.

You were this sweet little ball of fur

I wanted to love and caress

And love some more.

When I did get you,

I felt ecstatic.

I was so happy

It showed on my face even from the longest distance.

I knew I was really happy

because depression didn’t creep in for the longest time.

You were in my mind 24/7, day in and day out,

I dreamed my future with you,

dreamed of walking with you hand in hand,

sleeping besides you each night,

waking up to your deep breaths,

making little babies with you.

I had it all in my mind,

Did you know I thought about you all the time?

Did you know I was imagining all this in my head?

Did you?

How would you? I never said.

Did you know how much you meant to me?

I cried each night seeing you upset,

I cried because I couldn’t be near you

Holding you in my arms and comfort you.

Did you?

How would you? I never showed.

Did you know how much I craved to be with you?

Just one night? Just one moment perhaps?

Only to hold you close to me and assure you

That things would be okay.

That things will be okay.

It will be okay.

To be close or not to be close

Was my conflict.

Everyday.

Every fucking day.

I didn’t wanted to distant you

Neither I wanted to bound you to me.

Make friends, go out, date other girls

I said all the time.

Not because I didn’t wanted to,

But because I couldn’t.

Seven & a half hours time difference,

Waking up when you were about to sleep,

Sleeping when you were off to college.

Singing Happy birthday at 6 pm here,

Because it was 12 am there!

How would it survive?

How would it?

With me?

With one fucked up soul like me?

‘Of all people, I don’t want to loose you’ I said

‘I don’t you to hate me’ I said.

The only thing I said more than I love you.

Because I knew you would end up hating me.

Because I knew you would get tired of handling me,

And I couldn’t bear that even in my head.

How can I do so now when you are gone, in real?

Yes, I went a lot of times,

I ran away.

But I came back with double the speed.

I loved it when you wanted me back,

I was never wanted back by anybody baby.

Didn’t I tell you that?

And things did start changing,

Depression was creeping in.

Mood swings started happening,

My manic episode was starting to wear off.

And I knew things would go wrong,

I knew they would go wrong.

They always go wrong.

But you were there,

Holding my hand

From 11,963 km away. :)

I remember the first time we kissed,

I still get goosebumps when I think about it.

I woke up with your voice,

I slept with it.

Since you stopped talking,

I do not remember sleeping.

I loved you,

And I didn’t just love you

I was obsessed with you

I was in awe of you

I adored you.

And I know I messed up,

I do it all the time.

Don’t you know that?

Don’t you know how stupid I am?

Don’t you know how frequently my mood shifts?

Don’t you know how mad I get?

Don’t you know I can’t even order my own food without you?

Didn’t you just know?