It Usually Ends Here

(Some lines are in Bisaya/Cebuano because I'm a Bisaya and I'm proud of it.)

“Bugnaw kayo ato kamot.” 

We were at the hallway when you held my hand. Your hand was cold same as mine. You looked at our fingers which were entwined and that made me look at it as well. 

Then, you spoke, “Bagay man diay ta. Tan-awa gani ato kamot.” 

I was surprised. I couldn’t utter a word. You just smiled and swayed our hands back and forth. I neglected that thought and you continued to talk, “What if kaya kung kita noh?” 

I could feel that my heart jumped at that moment. I started to feel giddy that I wanted to let go off your hand or maybe not. It was because it was sweaty and I was afraid that you would be disgusted. 

You pulled me closer to you which made me almost fell to your chest. You laughed and that made your dimples evident. You pulled me again and started to walk. 

We passed by the Faculty Room and saw none of the teachers. Perhaps, they went home already. You just stopped walking when we arrived at the last room in our building. We would be turning left then if we would continue to walk. 

You gripped my hand. 

And that made me looked at your hand. You had clean nails that made me insecure with mine. I settled my eyes at your hand. But you called, “Kate.” I shifted my gaze from your hand to you. I looked at your chinky eyes and your not-so-thick-eyebrows. 

I was wondering if you were waiting my reply then, so, I answered, “Unsa man?” 

But you just shook your head and shrugged your shoulders. You started to walk again. You walked into the direction where the sunset was visible. It had a striking colors - pink, orange and yellow. It got darker as seconds flew by. 

It felt different since you let go off my hand.

You were staring at my hand again. I sigh and told you, “Unsa ba Matt. Paminaw jud.” I was teaching you the table of elements then. When I noticed that you wouldn’t stop staring at my hand, I decided to use the ruler instead. But you still stared at my hand. 

I was going to scold you again when you spoke, “Chada kayo imo kamot Kate.” 

I was surprised but I managed to answer you, “Saba Matt. Paminaw nalang. Di jud ka mo pasar aning Exam ba.” But you insisted, “Chada lagi.” I was going to give my response but you spoke, “Pwede pahawid utro?” 

My eyes shifted from the table of elements to you. I looked into your eyes. I thought you would laugh few seconds after, but you didn’t. 

I was trying to find words to say but you already held my hand. 

I just looked at our hands. Our hands that were entwined again. I looked outside the window. The sun was setting again. It wore its striking colors as well but the yellow turned into gold.

We didn’t talk about the hand incident after it happened. We never bothered to ask what that was all about but the truth was I really wanted to ask you. We were seated at the second row before the last row. We were two seats apart. I was writing what Ma’am Jes wrote on the board when a notebook was passed to me. I recognized who was the owner of the notebook just because of the cover – “Watsup, Doc?”. 

It was obvious. 

I opened the last page. 

I saw our several conversations before. 

It often happened whenever we got bored in our class. I was at the page 80 when I saw your pang-doctor na agi. That made me chuckle. I replied, “Wala ma’y maghatag sa ako uy.” 

I passed to our two seatmates who were annoyed to what we were doing. You scribbled and passed it again. 

I thought you didn’t answer but when I turned to the next page I saw your drawing. “Happy Valentines Kate. A flower for you.” 

I chuckled and wrote, “Korniha nimo Matt uy. Gi drawing gyud ang bulak ha? Sige, ako pod. Chocolates for you. White chocolate in particular. Haha!” Then I passed it. You laughed when you read it which made the class looked at you. You just apologized and I just shook my head.

We were at the school’s peace park. You rested your head on my shoulder when you spoke, “Crush baya tu nako Kate.” You were referring to the girl, who wore shirt and sneakers, who just passed by. I could only respond, “ Hm, gwapa.” 

But you looked at me. 

I thought you were going to say something but you just stared at me. 

I felt my heart jumped so I spoke as I shifted my gaze to the other side, “Bagay mo.” I mentally slapped myself for that. Then you rested your head again on my shoulder and said, “Ah, mao ba.”

I slightly tilted my head in front of the mirror. I was bothered. I just noticed the way I dress myself. I always wore skirts and flat sandals. I used lipstick and eyeliners. I used pressed powders. And I’m not sporty at all. 

I thought I was pretty. 

I got your attention. 

I got your smiles and laughter. 

I got your frowns too. 

I really thought I was pretty since you noticed me. We held hands, we studied together, we passed our notebooks and we viewed the sunset together. 

I felt pretty at that time. 

I felt you wouldn’t look at other girls anymore. But starting from that incident where you confessed she was your crush, you started telling me things about her. 

I couldn’t refused. 

I listened as well. You asked me once, “What if magsaba ko sa iyaha Kate? Sugton kaha ko niya?” I looked at you and smiled, “Basig Matt. Kagwapo ra nimo.” Then you smiled back and gripped my hand. It even came to a point where I wanted to stop seeing you because you asked favor that I couldn’t make myself do it. You held both of my hands and said, “Kate, please. Tabangi ko manguyab niya.” 

I couldn’t refused. I just smiled.

I just smiled when I entered our school. Several students were looking at me. I was feeling giddy but it was now or never. I was in the hallway when you patted my back and smiled at me. I smiled back. I was about to greet you when you spoke, “ Nganong in-ana man imo gisuot?” I could see your eyebrow meeting halfway. 

But I decided not to entertain those thoughts again. 

I smiled and answered you back, “Bagay ba?” I even wiggled my eyebrows but it seemed it was a wrong move. 

You didn’t smile. 

You just looked at me and asked, “What time imo klasi?” I answered as we passed by the canteen, “Same kaha ta ug sched noh? Basig nalimtan nimo.” You grabbed my hand and spoke, “Pag-ilis sa didto. Sayo pa man sad.” I frowned at you after hearing what you said. You frowned at me too. I answered you, “Di ko. Nag effort kaha ko ug prepare ani para karon.” You answered and it sounded irritated, “Revealing ra kayo na Kate. Naa ka sa skwelahan, unya nag short short ka.” I could hear my ear ting. I answered, “Pag sa uban, okay ra. Unya ako dili? Pagsure diha Matt.” You replied, “You didn’t get my point Kate. Galantawun kaha ka sa mga lalaki!” I raised my left eyebrow and answered you, “So, what? Wala man sad koy uyab.” You let out a big sigh and said, “You didn’t get my point. Fine.” 

I could feel my heart jumped with what you did. 

You grabbed my hand and started to walk. 

You were silent the whole time until we reached our classroom.

We were in the same classroom yet you rarely spoke to me since that day. It was just hi and hellos. But I didn’t let myself be bothered and I didn’t even wear that shorts again. I even befriended all of our classmates since it would be our last year. You were even happy too – smiling and talking with our classmates. I just noticed that you were close with Ella, the girl whom you said you liked. I just realized that I saw you several times going home together. 

I saw you at the canteen as well. 

I saw the both of you in the hallway. 

I saw you in the library. 

Together.

I shook my head and said, “No.” I stood up from my chair and patted your back. You faced and asked me, “What man Kate?” You still remembered my name. I thanked God for that. I smiled and pointed outside, “Pwede ko makig-istorya nimo?” You nodded and bid goodbyes to your friends – included Ella. 

The hallway was silent. 

I was wondering if ever you could hear my heart rumbling inside my chest. I bet not. Ma’am Jes discussed it to us. 

I was gripping both of my hands as I raised my head and looked at you in the eyes. I said, “What’s wrong with us Matt?” You looked surprised. It seemed that you couldn’t utter a word. 

Few seconds have passed I could feel the tears slid on my cheeks. I tried to look at you but you avoided my eyes. 

I felt my heart was crashed inside my chest. I refused to be shaken by that. 

But I was still hoping that you would look at me but you didn’t. 

I wiped away my tears. 

I turned to you again and said, “I thought we had those moments Matt.”

You looked at me. At last – as I said it to myself.

“That was only pure friendship.”

* Photo used is not mine. CT Google, Magic4walls.com *