Long Overdue

The truth is, it has been universally acknowledged that love, in general, is not always fair for everyone no matter how much we deserve it. 

Ask me why. I'll tell you now.

When you find love, you take it. You grab it with both hands and you do everything in your power not to let it go. You can’t just walk away from it and expect it to linger until you’re ready for it.

I have you.

Scratch thatI had you.

Damn, right. So here it goes.

You were everything that mattered. You came just when I neede― d someone and I instantly loved you. That's the thing about timing, it sometimes make you or break you. In our case, you came just right in time and I couldn't see anything else that makes better sense than when we're together.

You became my other half. My best bud. My other brain. The other half of my conscience. You know me down to the core. You saw the pains and the scars and knew right then and there I was dented and you painted me colors in full brightness.

You were never a hero but you'd always save my day. You'd buy me a book when I'm stressed out and would tease me about spending your allowance on it the next day. You liked doodling my sneakers because they're plain and boring, you'd always say. You tell me I'm pretty even when I know I look like I haven't bathed in years just to crack me up. You see, you know just when to say the right things.

You had me at, 'it's okay, I'm here now'.
It's when our hands are intertwined and how that felt, as if something and someone belonged to me. It's when I was my best self and you would look at me like I could do no wrong and was nothing but good. And it's especially how you looked at me the same way even when I wasn’t.

You'd always choose me. And that's where all these boils down to. It's the accumulation of all the little things that you do and they became everything. Because at the end of the day, all we want is someone who chooses us over anything else, under all circumstances. You used to, you know.

I never told you this but I really liked seeing you smile. I could just look at you all day as you talk about politics and how much you love to go to Paris. I loved it when you talk about your dreams, passions and what your life is gonna be in 10 years and I seemed to still be part of it. I want to live knowing that I would always wake up the next day and we'd still be epic. Because epic is a state of mind. Epic is a choice. And for the longest time, I chose you. I still wanted to be epic with you in all the days that will come.

I used to dream about having someone to grow old and die with. That's tragic but romantic. Romantic, still. Then you came and I realized that all this time, it's not all about growing old and dying with someone. I don't even wanna think of growing old anymore, I just wanted you and me, like how we were, always. You became the person I wanted to stay alive with.

You trigger my moods. God, you make me laugh. We used to laugh so hard we had tears in our eyes and I guess there's no better feeling on earth than tearing up for the right reasons. We compliment each other just by being together. Can you still blame me after all these?

Out of the millions and millions of people that inhabit this planet, he is one of the tiny few I can never have.

But I guess it's true when they say if you wait long enough, everything changes.

Because after six years of falling in love with you. Three words was all it took to want to stop.

She needs me.

And as hard as this choice is, we break the pattern before the pattern breaks us.

I used to be the first. I used to be the only one.

We used to be everything that is right, but now it just feels so wrong.

How do we let go of something we never really had?

How do we end something that never even started?

At what point do you decide that enough is enough?

Never.

At the end of the day, you can either focus on what's tearing you apart or what's holding you together.

You would always remind me.

But you're both things.
So don't take it against me.

Because this waiting game is already taking a toll on me. And I can no longer tolerate being an option when I always used to be the first. And I can no longer let myself cry for the same pathetic reasons. I need to stop waiting for you to make plans with me only to cancel out when you decided you've got more important things to take care of.

I can't keep thinking how much I will miss each and every moment with you while I'm still living them. I can no longer go through the pain of being with you while I keep drawing boundaries on where I should stand. And most importantly, I need to stop competing with someone who has all the rights to claim you.

Because I'm done waiting for you to decide to love me back.

Because you should've already decided a long time ago.

Because I realized that sometimes, indecision is a decision.

Because when you love someone, you owe it to them to help them be the best version of themselves that they can be. And as much as it crushes me to admit this, the best version of you doesn’t include me.

So I'll start this by ending our chapter without having to close the book. And I never really understood how someone can be so strong until I learned to forgive you without getting any apologies.

So yeah, I forgive you for not waiting for me when you promised me you would.

I forgive you for giving the same stars and the same moon to someone else when I thought you're just busy collecting them for me.

I forgive you for never letting me finish falling in love with you first before you decided to love somebody else.

And most importantly, I forgive you for being happy with her while leaving me hanging on the sidelines.

It ends here.

Let's face it, we tried. I guess, we're just not really for this. I owe you that. And I’ve come to the full realization that my happiness, my life, falls squarely on my shoulders. No one’s gonna do it for me. I know you will still wanna try, but I'm done giving you the power to make me happy because, along with it, you're breaking me in the process. So I guess, it's all on me now.

I never really knew I will ever belong to someone until you made me feel at home in your presence. And I guess I took it to the heart, thinking I was yours when you never really clarified if you're mine, too. Still, thank you for being my home for the longest time. Because I have to wander on my own now.

For the love that was never mine.

For the day that never came.

For the promises we weren't able to keep.

For losing the other half of me.

For giving up on my bestfriend.

I think at some point in our lives, we really have to start demanding what we deserve and be willing to walk away if what we require cannot be provided.

Someday, I hope, we can just laugh it all away like it's nothing.

And someday, I hope we can laugh about how we wasted our chances by breaking each other's hearts.

I hope we can go back to like how we used to.

Someday, I hope I can finally tell you how selfish you were to keep coming back after breaking my heart just to make sure it won't recover.

Someday, I hope it will.

And I hope, the next time I write, it will no longer be about you.