Some More

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Sometimes, when I feel like I'm about to cry, I would just take deep breaths and would change the subject. I think that's what most people do, well, when they are sad and in the middle of saying something that makes them want to cry, they take deep breaths and change the subject.

In the midst of my bad days, you were there.

It's one of those dumb days where nothing's really wrong but nothing's really right either and the sky can't even choose whether to be white or gray—Damn, what a plot twist you were.

I knew it. I saw you that day and I knew there's no way I won't stumble for this looks and rough attitude. And it's only a matter of time that I did and damn boy, I tried to be someone you'll like just to end up scraping my knee for kneeling too long to the wrong pedestal.

Just so you know. I fucking loved you. I fucking loved the daylights out of you.

Let's just call it like it is, no need to pretty it up. I don't care what other people think of me. I'm not Jesus Christ. I'm just a girl in the world. And you, my love is a sideways, brilliant, honest guy who does the coolest stuff ever that everybody hates, but who I am basically in love with.

I think, what I really want to say is, I want to hold your hand and feel the warmth beneath my palms. I want your Sunday mornings and daily commutes. I want your phone calls and your quirks. I think about your sick days and how I'd love the idea of your hair in my shower drain. I love your laugh. I love your arms around my waist when I walk by and you won't let me pass by. Your eye contact. Your smile. Tell me about your lost keys and how you hate doing your laundry. I want to know how you make your coffee and how you like it. Tell me which side of the bed you sleep in. I want to hold you and cling to your side while you sleep. Your silence. Your days. All of your twisted past and unclear future. I want you to tell me your doubts and your worries. I want you to tell me everything unfiltered. Tell me like this is all or nothing.

This is the moment. One of those movie moments you never think is gonna happen to you, but it happens to you, and now it's here.

I wish I could still see you as human. As a man. As a person, like how I did when I first saw you. Because right now, I would look at you and all I see is poetry. Words. Words that are just spontaneously clouding my thoughts. Words that will make your day. Words that causes me heartbreaks. Words I will never get tell you in this life.

It's how I loved you when you're looking at me straight through my eyes and I couldn't help but just pray you're not close enough to hear my heartbeats and it's especially how I loved you when you're obliviously happy, enjoying yourself with things I am not part of. So I realized that in most cases, when we love someone, it doesn't necessarily mean they have to return the favor.

The people we care for aren't always the one we should.

I never thought I'd get to the point where I will crave for someone's attention so bad. Never in my life that I depended my days to someone's discretion of whether he will decide to pay attention or not. And during those times you opted not to, all I had was the heart to tell myself I'm fine and stare at a blank sheet of paper— writing, scribbling. You trigger my feelings, it trigger my moods. And I guess it's true when they said that directly or indirectly, everything we'd write is for someone. Because I've never written anything as painfully good in a long time until you came and shook me. You're beautiful. Dashing. Dapper. Heartrendingly simple and lovely. You smile and the whole of the room lights up as the whole of me collapse. And you do that. Everyday.

And I think you made it clear that you want someone that is not me. And I'm just that girl. That girl who either eats too much or starve herself. You would even call me out sometimes for having a big appetite. I either sleep for 18 hours straight or have consecutive sleepless nights. Fall in love irrevocably or hate passionately. I don't know what gray is. I never did. Like I'll never know whether I should hate you for making me feel unworthy because then I will have to wonder for the rest of my life why I wasn't enough or just keep the feelings on the sidelines because it's something we cannot just force to somebody.

And you, you're who you are. You're whole on your own and the same idea tears me everytime.

Because you are rude and lovely. You care and then pulls away. You're the type who wants the same love you gave away but gets giddy when you receive it from someone who doesn't even have the guts to ask for anything in return.

I just learned to love everything about you. And that's something you'll never see. And I hate you everytime you make me feel like I actually have a chance with you but when I try to take that chance you make me realize I never really did.

Get beyond his eyes and his smile and the sheen of his hair -- Look at what's really there. It's easy to look back and see it, and it's easy to give the advice. But the sad fact is, most people don't look beneath the surface until it's too late.

So I had to take a step back, get all the way real with my life and ask myself why the hell I wanted a man who made it clear and obvious with his inconsistencies that he didn't want me? You made me become my own problem by sticking around, obsessing with someone I don't get a shot with.

But let me love you some more until there's nothing left to pour. Day in, day out. I was rooting for us. I rooted for the hopes you planted when you said I was pretty but I guess not pretty enough. I think there are just things that you will get to experience but aren't meant to last.