Lost forever

Khushi woke up, sweating and panicking. "I swear to my life I've never seen a worse nightmare!", she thought in her head.
She reached for her phone at the maximum possible pace. Her pillow was wet. And so were her eyes. "Man! What kinda dream was that! Makes me cry for real! I won't ever let you go, baby..", she thought to herself.

She called up her bestie to recite what she just saw.
" Hello? We weren't talking a while ago, right? I had this terrible dream! It was you and me and Ayaan and you were telling me stuff about how he might wanna break up with me and then he really did.", Khushi spoke all at once.
"Wait. What did you dream of, hon?", said the receiver end of the phone.
Khushi recited the entire thing-

***

“I really love him! You know today is when I’ve actually started trusting him completely on the security front in all these months! I don’t really get insecure when he ONLY talks to her. Its days like this that tell me he’ll be back.”, Khushi said feeling happy after a great long while.

“You know he hasn’t been sure about it, don’t you? He’s confused. And confusion ain’t the best thing..”, spoke her friend trying to tell her she shouldn’t take him too seriously. Not anymore. Maybe they had been talking about it and she was asked to convey it. He’d always been indirect in such situations Khushi thought.

“But he literally ran to me after I said I wasn’t very positive about the way we were at that time. It was quite some distance. Some 10 m. I think. And he ran to me and explained things- why I should wait and how things were going to be fine after a while. And the run simply implied he loves…”

“..He cares. It tells you he cares. And he sure does. But how does it tell he loves you?”

“But he loved me. And he still cares. Then he loves me too. Does it not follow?”, she asked though almost starting to lose hope.

“No darling. He wasn’t worth you anyways. We’ll find great guys and…”, she kept talking while Khushi was already consumed in her own world by now. Thinking WHAT might happen if he really wanted to just part ways. And if whatever was being told to her were his true words finding a different mouth to make their escape easier. “And..and but he loved me he said. Today itself! Why would he want to leave me?”, she said breaking the conversation she was supposedly a part of.

“Woah! Where did it pop in from? I thought we were talking about Game of Thrones!”, she said almost wanting to slap her for the ignorance.

“Listen. This is important for me..”. A tiny tear began to trickle down her face following a path that led to her mouth. The taste reminded her of the times when she’d cry her heart out to him and he’d ask her to stop crying or she’ll get an over dose of NaCl. A light giggle. In the middles of 3 tears now. So typical him. Makes you want to cry. And laugh. At the same time. And the thought that she might lose it forever made her surrender to those little drops of salty water rolling down her face.

She regained her senses to a voice say, “Hello? Why don’t you reply?”

“Yea. Sorry. What were you saying?”

“I haven’t spoken to him. I can’t say. All he told me was he’s confused. He might want to come back. And he might not want”

“I got to go. I’ll catch you later, okay? Bye.”

Khushi hung up.

And now a huge number of questions attacked her little naive mind all at once.

“What if he REALLY wants to break up? What if he actually is done with me? But what had I done to make him break up this sudden? We haven’t spoken in a month and I haven’t forced him to either..”

She thought of picking her phone up, calling him and making sure she knew what was going on in his head.

She reached for her phone.

1 message.

She opened her Inbox to see it was from him. He hadn’t messaged her in a month. Her heart beat faster than ever. With a shivering finger, she tapped on his name.

It read-

M srry. I cnt be with u anymre. N this time i ain’t turning back from my decision. Goodbye. Have a great life. Hope to read ur books asap :)

She read it once. Then again just to make sure she hadn’t misread, unread, misunderstood, misconceived, misinterpreted or any of the like that could somehow change what it said. But no. There it was. Evidence to her lost forever. The knife that stabbed her heart several times till it almost stopped beating. The broken remnants of shattered trust. To pieces that couldn’t have been broken smaller.

She sat there. Numb.

She called him up. He didn’t answer. Landline, maybe? She called his landline.

“Hello? May I speak to Ayaan please? This is Khushi. And it’s a little important.”, I said to his little sister.

“Yes, just a second.”, she said.

She could here them talk. She told Ayaan Khushi wanted to speak to him. Ayaan kept shut for a few seconds and then cut the phone. Khushi called back. He answered it this time.

Khushi: (In a crying broken voice) Hello?

Ayaan: Yes..

Khushi: Why are you doing this Ayaan? You know I love you. I know you love me. Let’s give it some more time and be free from all the stress that we have and then we can think about it maybe.

Ayaan: But I’ve already thought about it. I don’t want this.

Khushi: (voice cracking even more) But why? We were good till before you surrendered your phone. And we haven’t spoken since then. What happened in this one month of not talking?

Ayaan: Things weren’t fine before that too okay? I don’t love you anymore

*These words hit her like a working hunter on her bare body. She couldn’t interpret what she was being told. She was too numb to understand those words. In such straight fashion. All at once.*

She broke down howling.

Ayaan: Look, I don’t want this. And that’s it.

Khushi: But I want this! You can’t leave me like this Ayaan.

Ayaan: You are forcing me into this.

Khushi: I don’t care.

Ayaan: Exactly, that’s your whole problem. You don’t care.

Khushi: I care…

She couldn’t control it. She began to have something like an anxiety attack. She hung up and cried. No, saying she cried is like an understatement. She howled.

***

"Oh. Baby, relax okay. Did you drink water? You sound weak and ill", said her friend.
" No, wait. Why do you sound weird. Was this all for real? Did this really happen? It didn't right? Tell me it didn't!!", Khushi said, almost wanting to pull her out of the phone and hugging her.
"Say something!! Or no. You know what? Bye! I'm not even talking to you ever. I'll call him and ask him myself. Huh.", Khushi said and hung up.

She thought of calling him up. But she decided to check her inbox first to make sure it was JUST a dream. With her lips constantly chanting prayers and shivering hands, she opened her Inbox.
Walla! There sat the most devastating message one could have ever received. It sat right at the top of the message list as if deriving all the sadistic pleasure it could have. As if trying to say, ” You see? All the forevers and always' and promises and laughs and cries and sufferings and hopes were a short time shit! Buwahahahaha”.

She got depressed. Too much for her to handle. Too much of stress to be dealt with alone. Too much for that little girl to go through. Her greatest fear was losing him. And there she was living it.

“You know, no matter whatever happens, we’ll always find our ways back to each other. This is a once in a lifetime love for me. I wont let go of you, hon. You came to me all well in time and I’m gonna grow old with you..”.

His words still give her hope and tell her maybe, just maybe, he comes back to her someday. Maybe its not him breaking up. Maybe its something that’s forcing him to do it. Maybe he still loves her just as much!

But then, maybe none of it were true. Maybe its just her brain playing his defense lawyer and prosecutor at the same time. And maybe he already has moved on with his life and never ever wants to turn back.

Maybe, just maybe