midnight diaries

My biggest regret,

12:28am. I've been writing about you. Day one until the end. Until we ended. Wait, there's never been an 'us'. Until the love ended.

Until there are lots of midnight where I crawled up my back and cried on my pillows thinking, this is the exact time when you told me how much you love me. This is the exact time when you sing for me until I fell asleep with the sound of your love. 

And I'm still writing about you for I don't know why. Maybe I'm hoping that one day, you could read this and know how much I ached and still ache until today. Maybe I'm hoping that through this, I can be healed. Hoping for the words to stitch my wounded self as I hurt myself loving you. 

Have I love you less for you to leave? Or have I love you too much for me to feel such pain? 

A part of me wants you to be happy and a part of me wants you to mourn as you can't find happiness without me. Selfishness, I must say. I just loved. 

If I were you, I'd do the same. Trust me, you did the right thing. I don't deserve you at all and clearly, you deserve more than me. So hi, you don't have to feel guilty or what but you can't ask me to stop loving you because even if I want to, it won't stop. Just live your life as I cry for you every night knowing I'm no longer part of your world. Funny, you are good at science right? Can you tell me how you became my whole damn world when I don't even exist in yours? 

You are my sleepless nights. You are my midnight diaries. You are the pain I want to feel.

Once you loved,

Alex