Morning Melancholy

I woke up and my first thought was of him. Maybe one day this ache will pass away like the previous lover's did. But something tells me that this will shatter me and leave greater scars. After everything i did for him, with him, because of him I was becoming a better person. Maybe I should be happy that he is leaving my feeling will be held back and the chances of my heart to love again someday might remain but I will lose the hand i wanted to hold with my perpetual state of grief.

Scars help us become stronger but I am only 19 I don't want to be this mature or strong. Is it wrong i wanted to lean on someone for a little while. Is it wrong for me to want someone love me back the same way i love them especially knowing that they have the potential for doing it.

i love him. I know it because i am a selfish person and as much as i want him to stay with me forever i also want him to stay away from a toxic person like me and prosper, fall in love with someone who will love you in a way that helps you grow heal. I know i cannot have you but i would like you to have someone you have also suffered in your love, I hope someone loves you in the most selfless and deep way anyone can be loved.

Meanwhile i know i cannot be loved, i know i am bound to stay alone forever i know after you no one will be enough for me no  that i have felt your care, respect. I will always wonder how it would have felt being loved by you, ho it would have felt to be caressed by your fingertips, for you to stare at me with pure adoration in your eyes for having me as your soulmate.

Maybe that is what the problem is, I don't want to be touched by anyone now or looked at like that because i had dreamt of us that way and the thought of anyone now feels like cheating on your love.