MY STORY

I'm giving this a try. 

I'm a girl, 16 years old. I have anxiety and depression. To make the story short, because of this, I lost friends, family and loved ones. I don't know how to fucking stop it. This shit makes me stay awake at night and the sadness just wants to lure me into this black hole. My heart hurts. My head hurts. my family doesn't even care. My friends, too. I can't call them friends now, can I? I cry for help mostly all the time and you know what? They just shrug me off and tell me I'm over reacting. It hurts, you know? I know I don't mean anything to them. I'm useless. Worthless. Just a piece of shit they can add to their figurines of friends who they treat like shit.

I have a boyfriend. You could say this relationship is toxic because we're both depressed with anxiety. But I'm really thankful for this guy. He's the only that keeps me going. he tries to encourage me with words I've said to myself before. Well, when I'm the one saying it, it almost feels as if I couldn't even tell myself to wake up and get a life. But when he's saying it, it's as if he had given me hope. He says he feels the same when I'm the one comforting him. But we have our days. When no one can really help, we couldn't even talk to one another. We don't get to see each other everyday because it's summer. And as much as I would want to kiss him and hug him with all my might when I'm feeling down or if he is, we can't. I would try to ask permission from my mom but she really doesn't allow it. I can't ask my dad because he left us long ago. I have no one else but him and I really don't want to lose him. But at this state when he really needs me and I can't be there for him, I feel he's really drifting away. What a terrible feeling having to love someone and not be able to help him. Quoted Violet Markey in the book All The Bright Places.

Today, I am writing this because my boyfriend is having trouble with himself. And I couldn't be there for him because he's like 20 kilometers away. And I just got off from a fight with my sister which became a fight with my mother because she always sides with her. I gt slapped. This isn't the first time, though but it hurts just the same. My brother is just there watching. And my sister doesn't even apologize when it's her fault. I wanted to call my friends. But I just remembered we don't talk anymore. They shut me off personally last Thursday. I tried to talk to them and make a conversation. They don't even notice me. I am most especially left out. So I shut them off. I left our conversation in messenger and they don't even bother. I deactivated my twitter account and still they don't ask. I can't tell my boyfriend this because he's also dealing with shit and I don't want to add another burden.

I'm giving this a try because I just can't keep it inside anymore. The sadness really reels you in. It's like it's a part of you but it want you to be a part of it. It doesn't make sense. But here on out, everything won't make sense anymore. I have these fucking voices in my head that tell me things I really don't want to hear. Worthless, freak. Nobody cares about you. Why don't you just die. It's going to be one less problem here in this miserable world. Nobody gives a shit if you die. So just do it, okay? YOU MAKE EVERYTHING HORRIBLE. YOU ARE SUCH A BITCH. GO KILL YOURSELF. I hate it. I hate it that they rule over me. I hate it that I believe them. I hate that I keep fighting them and end up losing. I hate anxiety. I hate depression. I'm tired of crying. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. It fucking hurts.