To you, ameca mea

We were schoolmates back in our Junior Years. We see each other in the campus, walk past each other in the hallways and the strangest yet, you were my boyfriend's (who is now my ex boyfriend) friend. You see, in your circle, you were the only one I never got a chance to meet. Why didn't I?

Few years later, you texted me. It was definitely unexpected. I mean, we never really talked, much less interacted. We were just strangers who knew each other as a fellow schoolmate. We texted, chatted for days, weeks. It seemed as if I was getting used to talking to you every day that if one day, you won't—I wouldn't know what to do. And then I fell. I knew I did. I had very strong feelings for you. But I didn't want to, I admit. It was only a few months ago did I have my heart broken by a douchebag who said he loved me. You were giving hints, and I ignored them because I didn't want to fall in love again. It was hard to admit to myself―to you, especially―that I already did fell.

We decided to hang out in person. We talked, it was awkward at first. Of course, it was. But then you kissed me. It was my first kiss. Even though I had a boyfriend before you, you were my first kiss. I didn't know what I felt back then. My stomach was churning, my heart was pounding and my god, my lips were trembling. In addition to that, I was shaking, my knees were very weak. But boy, your lips felt so warm on mine. They were soft, the kind of soft that you'd want them to stay on your lips for the rest of time. But of course, you had to pull back. My head kept repeating the words, I have a first kiss. I have a frist kiss. I have a first kiss. But with my chest still throbbing, you kissed me again.

That time, I already had lots to say. But I couldn't get them out of my system. To my surprise, I had said a few words I didn't know would come out so soon. I told you I love you. And then I kissed you. I didn't know why I said that but after I did, I felt a piece of me released. It was like a secret my heart couldn't wait to tell.

But I didn't know what love was. Weeks later, you asked me if I really loved you. I wanted to tell you I do. But I knew I'd be lying. So I told you the truth. I don't know if I do. That messed things up. We both got hurt, you most especially. I wanted to scream at myself for being such an idiot, for telling you I love you when I don't even know what love meant. But a part of me was whispering that I do love you and I'm telling the truth. I was scared to admit. I didn't know what to do. It's not that I don't love you. I told you, I have strong feelings for you. During that time, I told you things I was sure of. I told you I don't want to lose you. And I told you that you make me happy more than anyone else in this world. I cried. I hated myself for telling you a lie. But it wasn't a lie. I loved you then. I just couldn't make myself understand why I did. So I didn't.

After days of thinking it through, doing actual research―I was desperate to know― I admitted I love you. I realized then that I always have loved you and that I always will. Every part of me knows it. I do.

"So, yeah, we go through some terrible things together, and I've seen versions of you who are darker, and damaged, and I don't care. I want you even when you're broken. I want you no matter what. Your darkness, your anger, whatever it is you fear inside yourself―it doesn't matter. I love you completely, don't you see? I even want the worst of you because it's still a part of you." -Marguerite Caine,  Ten Thousand Skies Above You

Yes, we're both damaged in our own way. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you. Be it your anxiety and depression you're dealing with or the bickers and fights with your family and with me. When I was down, you helped in a way no one ever did. You stopped me from hurting myself when I intended to. You made me realize that there are more things in life worth living for. You made me see great possibilities ahead of me. You made me dream of a beautiful future I would have, a future with you in it. I know we will get through this. Let me help you like you did me. Because I want to. In every way I can, I would help you get through this. 

Te amo, ameca mea. Hodie et cras in vita sua.