some of my thoughts about death.

"to fear death is nothing other than to think oneself wise when one is not. for it is to think one knows what one does not know. no one knows whether death may not even turn out to be the greatest blessings of human beings. and yet people fear it as if they knew for certain it is the greatest evil."

-socrates

that's it. that entirely explains it. i'm too much of a fool who knows completely nothing for someone that fears every single unfamiliar things to ever exist as if everything is out there to get me.

i almost can't deal with anything that most particularly talks about what i think is one of the most mysterious conspiracies ever known to humankind, the life after death.

there's too many questions to ask and ponder about, one speculation after speculations, then there comes skepticism, everyone then starts to doubt what they think they already know, followed by an irrational fear out of getting vague answers instead of clarity, and now i'm not only confused but also anxious and yes, for years of seeking answers and not getting any, i am irritated.

kinda. i mean, i don't have to but i can't help it.

no one knows for certain what happens after death, where does my consciousness go after my physical body cease to exist? years passed by and i came to realize that half of my concern wasn't really about mine.

if i die right now, honestly speaking, i've been ready my whole life; but to think of a beloved one's death is just plain torture and unbearable. how am i supposed to handle the loss? if i die right now, how would my family handle a situation where certainty is not present and all they would have left to do is to let me go?

all i have right now is a couple of maybe's. maybe i'm not afraid of death, maybe i'm scared of getting left behind. maybe i'm not not afraid of death, maybe i'm afraid of being forgotten, and of getting lost.

if this is the case then, the real questions i think i should be asking myself are: am i really afraid of death? or am i afraid of not being able to know how to handle it?

i don't even want to think about it, i don't, and i don't think i'd be ready to deal with it any sooner.