Something's just got me thinking

I thought I was already okay, I thought that I already reached the finish line, I thought I was already happy and ready to start with my "new life" but no, I wasn't

I WAS ALREADY FEELING NUMB!

After all the pain that my experiences caused me pain again and again just made me feel numb, after a long time of pain and anxiety, my heart just stopped feeling things, especially the time when I thought you officially cut me off your life. 

You told me that, we will surely not be talking a lot and you would be so busy, I thought I was ready to face the challenges that were going to hit our relationship, but even if you told me that, you told me to stay strong because you were also trying to be, so I also tried to be.

After spending many late nights trying to wait for you to have time to just talk and hang out, I felt so hopeless because you kept failing to have time, I know you warned me that you would not have a lot of time for me, but it just hurts how I still keep hoping even if you never told me to. I am sorry if I am trying to make you look like you hurt me, but honestly, it just hurt me, it hurt me that you told me to stay strong, it hurt me that I actually just held on, it hurt me to hope that there would be that one late night that we could spend together and just be together.

I want to trust you, really, but how long will I stay strong? for us to stay long. Why do I feel like I was the only one holding on? like each day that passed that I waited for you, just made me more weak that even I literally can't stand up because everything in me hurts, especially the in my heart DEEPLY...breaking in half because I kept waiting and hoping.

One day, I just kept thinking, why should I spend my time just waiting and hurting when I can do something for myself. Then something slapped me straight to my face that I need to move on and be myself again, I just got so exhausted because of waiting for you, I felt like a bad person because I was like throwing away my life because I spent all my days waiting and calling for you, looking at your profile to see where you've been or what you were so busy about that you didn't have time for me, even just a little bit. 

So I started doing things to keep me busy and distracted and after a few months of temporarily cutting my connection with you, stopped sending you a bunch of messages and stopped tagging you with non sense things and especially I stopped looking into your profile. I went back to myself again and I felt happier, lighter, I must say, I learned to love myself, finally!!!

I don't mean to say you were the toxic person in my life, it was my fault, because I loved you too much and I depended on you too much, so much that my life literally evolved around you, and it was not good for me, neither for you, I feel like I choked you with all my love, did I? if I did, I am sorry. 

Then after a few months, I got it all together again until you suddenly just messaged me, and I was shaking, I didn't know what to say, I couldn't explain what I was feeling at that moment, but later on I realized that I was happy to hear from you again in such a long time but you told me that you couldn't stay long because you had to attend to something, then I started feeling sad again.... knowing you're going to leave me again. 

Do I really mean something to you? Am I really more important than the things you're busy with? Is my relationship with you really precious? Or you just come to me when you hear a news from me or when you're not so busy? I don't know anymore, I don't want to destroy the beautiful memories I had with just because of this ----- thing! I don't even know what to call it because we're not even fighting and you don't know I am even feeling this way! 

You've got me thinking about this! you've got me thinking about a looootttt of things! I hope that someday all these things would stop bothering me and I would be okay, that I would be happy and cleared from all the questions in my head. Well thank you for all this mess because you just made me stronger than I was before. 

Thank you for "loving" me, if you ever did, but if you didn't I will love you still, always... no matter how much confusion you bring to my life, no matter how much lies you tell me, no matter how much pain you've caused me, and no matter how much you make me feel insignificant in your life, I will still love you and I have always loved you, because no matter how much I've changed, you were still a part of my life, without you, I don't think I will ever be the same as what I am now. 

Thank you. I love you. Good bye.