The World You Showed Me

To you who will never read this, I loved you. I've written about you tens of times, I don't know how much more I'll write about you. Every time I think it's the last, I end up being wrong.

This time, it was a show and a song that reminded me of what you gave me. You shone brighter than the sun and I didn't know what to do - I was blinded. I was immature. I didn't deserve the "you" that I got. Whenever I remember our story, I can't help but feel angry over my past self - the "me" that couldn't make you stay.

For so many years, I kept blaming you. I knew that was wrong, but I couldn't admit that it was my fault, that I was the reason why you couldn't be with me. I'd like to say that I'm a better person than I was then, but who can say? One thing I'm sure of is that I can recognize how terrible I was, to you and as a partner, if you would even have called me that.

You made me want to write. I will always be thankful to you for being my spark and now, my writing helps other people and it wouldn't have been possible without you. I love writing, but I hate the fact that after all these years, after all the times I've thought about you and after I've moved on from you, you still bring a heat to my heart that I sorely miss. You still leave me at a loss for words, while also spurring me on to write. You make my head empty with nothing but thoughts of you, and that's why I always write straight from my heart when it's about you. I love writing like this, but I hate that it's only when it's about you. It hurts, not as bad as before and not as much anymore but the dull pain that makes me clutch my chest and cringe at my past self stays with me.

I truly, genuinely believe that you were my soul mate, a silly concept but being with you made me happy, truly happy. As cruel as it may sound to the girl I'm with now, I was never as happy as when I was with you. It may be an idealized fantasy, but I can't stop myself from thinking "What ifs" - What if you'd been the one I'd introduced to my family, What if you'd been the one who knew my friends? These are unknowable futures because they can never come to be.

I've accepted this, but accepting it doesn't mean that it doesn't stop being painful. I live with the regret of not being enough for you. I wish that I could see that world that you showed me one more time for I would burn that vision into my memories. I wish that I could hold you just one more time, then I would never let you slip away. I would become the person that you deserve. Maybe I am that person now, but we're too far away from each other to hope for one more chance. 

You are beautiful. That world was beautiful. Those days were beautiful. I have no doubt that if I was with you, every day would have been so bright, so happy that I would think that I was dreaming. You made me smile, you made me happy and you changed how I saw everything around me. I don't even know why I'm writing this, I know it's pointless but thinking about you gave me that spark again.

Celine, I'm even afraid of saying your name. It's cruel, it's downright evil, but I wish I was with you. I wish I was a better person sooner. I wish I deserved you. I'll continue to live in the world that I'm in now, but I might never stop thinking about the brightness of that world that we saw together. The spark that you lit inside my heart, and my life, will always be there. It's painful, and it will always remind me what I couldn't have, what I wish to have, but that spark will always start a fire in me to write, in the way that makes me happiest - with my heart.

You changed my life, Celine. You grabbed my heart and until now, your grip is there and I don't even know if I want you to let go. As I'm writing this now, I keep thinking of meeting you again, seeing you again, and talking to you again. I keep longing for that second chance and I'm afraid of the answer that I'll give if it ever comes. I hate myself - both the past me that failed you and the present me that still longs for you.

I'm amazed. So amazed at how much you make me want to write. 1000 words seem so easy when it's about you, it always did - but I only ever needed 3. I love you, Celine. I hope these words never reach you, and never reach her but I hate the fact that I know I'm not being completely honest. You are the happiness, the brightness, the light, the warmth, the joy, the love, the sun that I will always wish that I had.