to the star i will never have.

I can’t deny it. I am in love with you. But I’m scared because I keep thinking that the you that I’m in love with is not the you right now. I’m scared because I keep thinking that the whole universe doesn’t want us to be together, it’s like it wants us to be separated forever. I thought that maybe it’s okay if the whole universe would altogether dissipate if I do end up being with you. The whole universe is meant to end anyways, right? Maybe I should just ignore every single doubt in my head and just tell you the truth; to be once in my life, be vulnerable in front of someone.

I had dreamt so much about you. I had dreamt of you and I together; I dreamt of us being in places that you could never imagine exist in this world. I dreamt that you being so different from who you are right now, I dreamt that you were happier, more comfortable with your life and everything around you. In those dreams you make me feel like I’m at home in your arms, even if you and I are lost in that purgatory together. I would then wake up and realize that I was never with you, that I am in my own world and stuck in it because of my own vanity and selfishness. I would also realize that the you in my dream is not you in the real world. That you are broken and uncomfortable with whom you are right now. I know that you want to better yourself and that gives me hope that one day you will be the girl in my dreams. But even then, who you are right now is more than I could wish for, because I am undeniably in love with you and I can’t get out of this feeling until I have disappeared from this mortal existence forever.

Sometimes I look at the mirror and wish that I could leave this body of mine and meet with that beautiful soul of yours. Sometimes I stare at my keyboard, too lost to find letters to make words to describe just how gorgeous you are. Sometimes I feel that I am stuck with this world and the next because I know that I can’t leave this world without being with you.

Within you is love from a million other souls. Within you is a sanctuary that other people could never gain in their entire lifetime. Within you is my salvation.

I wonder about the lives we lived before, I wonder if we were the same lost souls who found each other in this lonely place, in this lost and desolated piece of rock called earth. Maybe we had lived different lives from before but then we would still find each other when we were the most broken and lost. Maybe we found each other because we both had the needed pieces within us to complete the puzzles in our lives.

I never thought that I would feel this way for you. I hated you and you know that. You are everything that I hated in a woman and yet, you became everything I wanted. My heart stops beating when I see you, and I sometimes wish that I could die right there and then. I became aware of who I am when we talk to you and I feel ashamed, because I know that I could never be the man that you ever wanted. I guess that’s only fair, because you’re not the woman I wanted either. But there’s so much more than the things we want, there’s so much more in just mere wanting, and if there is one thing that’s true about human nature is that we always want the wrong things. I realized that if it is love that I want then maybe I should take a leap of faith and listen to my heart for once instead of listening to the echoes in my head telling me that I would never be happy with you.

I should listen to the plans of my heart, the plans meant for you. We were meant to run away far far away to a place where not even God would find us. We were meant to live there and find solace in each other’s heart. I had planned how we were going to do it. I had thought about it a million times in my head and yet, I still chose not to do it. It’s not wishful thinking, because I had already found a way how we’re going to do it and maybe one day I’ll tell you and invite you to come with me so I can fulfill those promises I told you during that one summer that’s lost forever in time.

Look upon the stars one night and they will tell you the way into my heart. You will always be the one who could read between the blank spaces of the lines.