Unrequited and Acquited

Dear friend, 
It all started when I first cried on you.

It all started when you acted like a superhero and comforted me when I felt frustrated about everything. It all started from that one moment you've let me cry on your shoulders and I felt undeniable comfort after such a long time of living in the endless torture of not having a mom. 

That night when you comforted me was the first time that someone ever made me feel like I don't really have to keep all of my frustrations to myself. 

Ever since you've become my constant. You made me feel like my thoughts were valid. You made me feel like my feelings and emotions deserve recognition. You made me feel like it's ok to be vulnerable at times for you will always be there. You made me feel like I'm a human being worthy of being human, that I'm not as evil or trashy as I think I was. You helped me fight my demons.  

I didn't know when. I didn't know how. I didn't know why. I just found myself falling for you. It just happened.

 I'm sorry for liking you. I honestly tried to neglect it. I tried to just forget about it. I tried to not give it recognition but I ended up admitting it to myself. 

I like you.
 I tried to just let it be.

 It's not like I even expect anything. I didn't want nor expect something to happen. I didn't want anything to happen. I don't love people to be loved back as well. So I didn't like you and expected that you will like me back as well. I know the reality. I am fully aware of the truth so I tried to invalidate my feelings. 

I tried so hard to stop falling for you but why do you have to be such that guy?

Remember when I told you that I should really get a grip on my own emotions? That I need to stop being vulnerable whenever someone tries to console me? I was talking about you trying to comfort me. It does make me feel better during those times, but I know that later on, as I get to know you more, as I get to see all those admirable traits, as I get to visualize and idealize what could become of us, I'd fall harder. It'll be destructive. The more I talk to you, the more I interact with you, I can't help but like you even more. 

Why do you have to be so ideal? 

Why do you have to be so caring? Why do you have to be so kind? Why do you have to be the one that you are? I am too fragile, too weak, too messed up, too vulnerable to control my own emotions. It hurts so much that I can't be in control. I like you a lot that it's pain-inducing. I am too overwhelmed by how much I like you and it hurts. 

You make me happy but it's incomparable to the pain this feeling brings. 

 I never wanted this feeling, I never wanted to like you like this. I'd prefer our friendship rather than these destructive feelings. I value our friendship more than my feelings.

Sometimes I wish that you didn't came to me that time. 

Sometimes I wish that I didn't cry on you. Sometimes I wish that you never stayed with me during my toughest days. Sometimes I wish that you didn't attend to me each time I bother you with my useless thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I wish you didn't perform all those friendly gestures so I wouldn't have fallen harder. Sometimes I wish you were never that friend that I trusted so much so I wouldn't have to be so troubled right now. Sometimes I wish I wasn't this messed up. Sometimes I wish I wasn't this weak. Sometimes I wish I wasn't myself.

That's the demon inside of me talking but the rational side of me says otherwise. 

I am thankful that you were the first guy I've ever liked. I am thankful that you were the first guy who made me feel the butterflies in my stomach. I am thankful that you were the first guy whose friendly gestures, tho they should not be taken more than what they really meant, made my heart flutter in joy. I am thankful that the first guy whom I first felt all the consequences of liking someone was you. I am thankful that my first heartbreak was you.

 I know I don't deserve you. 

You're way too good for me. You're out of my league. I'm way too trashy and fudged up to ever deserve someone as wonderful as you. You deserve someone who can truly make you happy and unfortunately, I can never pass the requirements to be the deserving girl.

Dear friend,
I like you and I'll be moving on.

I'm letting go of my growing feelings. I'm setting myself free from all the feelings that have caused me all the confusion, anger, sadness, disgust, hopelessness, and desperation. I'm letting go of these feelings that will lead me nowhere.