Why?

They say that if somebody had inflicted hurt and all sorts of pain to you, you should never return to that person. Rather, you have to move one and begin a life anew. 

Yet, why am I here, in a certain community who had abandoned me? All because of a whiny child yapping for sympathy, claiming that I have attacked her? 

Why am I still here, trying to exist, trying to blend in, hoping for the arrival of some friends and assurance that I am not alone? 

Why am I trying so hard to exist for others, who I knew felt bad about what I did, as if everything was my error, my fault? People who judged me because of what that brat has whined about? So, everyone has basically pointed their fingers at me in one graceful move. 

And it hurts. It hurts a lot. 

It feels so cold, as if I am in the midst of a raging blessed, without anything on. 

It feels like someone has thrown a piece of filth to my very existence. 

It feels like I have lost the life I used to have. 

Should I disappear and never return again to this biased world? 

Yet, why is that just a few years back, I was used to being ignored, and I felt fine. Of course, there is the yearn for attention, but I never begged it, and I never needed. I had friends, but I wasn't that noticed much. 

Was it because I was stronger before? Or is it the absolute truth that I have gone weaker and softer among all these years? Or is this another struggle, another crisis that will soon pass but never forgotten, only judged and discriminated? 

I felt a little better when I released the cold hand that gripped my fragile heart. It felt that whatever the heaviness that had clung to my chest, a burden that weighed me down has slowly been released through salty tears, and heavy sobs which I never knew I was capable of making of. 

Yet I cannot ever erase the scars carved on my heart. It will forever cling to me, label me and haunt me for the rest of my life. 

Isolated. Befriended. Abandoned. 

Then back to isolated. 

So, is this the definition of alone?