Abyss

If I look into those deep dark brown eyes, will I find relief? Will I find contentment in the chaotic world that we live in? I often ask myself, is it not better to just give in to the imaginary world that you and I have created? To simply just let myself fall into the deep and dark abyss? The abyss that is so much similar to your own eyes?

I can see it, the faint outline of a digital clock that blinks back at me, reminding me that I only have a few moments left. That I only have a few precious minutes to make a decision that will twist the very fabric that is my reality.

My blood runs cold as I feel my lungs begin to close, I feel the tell-tale signs of a panic attack begin to grip me. I quickly sit up. I can’t breathe, oh god I can’t breathe. My breath comes out in short, stuttering gasps as I desperately try to calm my erratic breathing.

What god have I angered to curse me with such a pitiful existence? An existence so weak and fragile, that the very thought of the darkness overwhelming me, was enough to ruin my in-tune breathing.

I look to my right and see the familiar orange bottle that held the very pills that could give me relief, that could give me release. All I had to do was work up the nerve to actually swallow more than one down.

I shut my eyes and I can almost see you. I can see your mischievous eyes. I can see your nicotine stained fingers. I can smell the tang of your cologne. I can see all these faint details about you, yet I cannot remember what you truly looked like. I cannot complete your face, your figure not even your voice.

I can’t remember what your voice sounds like. All I can remember is the way it made me feel.

I open my eyes and take a deep breath, my lungs agreeing to cooperate for this singular moment. I look at the pill bottle once again before reaching over to grab it with a shaking hand.

I trace with my fingers, the outline of a name that I have not uttered in so long, for it only brought me confusion and pain. Your name. Your name that seemed like a curse word, if I were to speak it, I would lose myself, and I wonder would that be so wrong?

If I concentrate hard enough, I can picture what it felt like to still be in your arms. I can feel your smile against my hair. I can feel the wind against us as we run in an open field.

I like to believe that in the universe that I have created, you are still here. You are still with me.

I like to believe that none of it ever happened, that your eyes were never taken from me by just a few small pills and a glass of water.

I still do not know if that was your intention or not. To leave me here all on my own. To leave me here without a soul. To leave me here so hollow…. so alone.

I clench the bottle of pills and take another deep lungful of air. I stare at the ceiling, imagining that it was you hovering over me, but it feels wrong. I’m imagining you all wrong. I’m getting all the details wrong. I think you’re finally slipping away from me.

I can’t have that. I can’t have a universe where you never existed. It’s wrong. It’s all wrong.

I slowly pry the lid of bottle open, and empty them out in my hand. I stare at the small pills in my hand, that were supposed to help you sleep at night, not sleep forever.

I knock the pills back and swallow them dry. Just like a child with pieces of candy, so impatient to chew them properly.

I lie down and shut my eyes one last time, as I feel my body growing heavier.

My love, I’m coming to you at last.

I’m going to join you in a universe where you still exist, I will meet you again and we will begin anew.

Yes, we will begin anew.

I breathe one last time as I let the deep and dark abyss swallow me whole.

I let the darkness win.