After Dawn

3 AM.

We're on the bed, side by side. I envy your peaceful slumber. I wanted to join you in my dreams but I didn't want to deprive myself the pleasure of memorizing your face without you teasing me back. 

You and your crooked nose. Yours are the deepest set of eyes I've seen. I love the scar under your left brow. I touched that. I remembered you having that after getting into a fight with your best bud when you found out he was cheating on your sister. I touched your lips. You slightly moved because of that and I mentally cursed at myself because I didn't want you awake just yet. You settled back after a while and I was relieved. I continued watching you. Your shoulders went back at ease and your chest were also back to moving up and down in slow rhythm. I love the sound of your breathing. I love your disheveled hair. Brown really suits you well. I kissed your temples and smiled. I wish we could stay like this a little longer. I wish I could turn back time.

You know me. You know me more than anybody else. You're my human shield. My walking diary. We were each other's baby sitters growing up. You're my cheeriest cheerleader. My confidant. We're partners in crime. You've witnessed my grossest moments and shared with me our most embarrassing ones. You've grown on me deep rooted. Unmovable. Irrevocably. Some people just couldn't be on the same page all the time.

You opened your eyes slowly and shut them back for few moments. I poked your cheek. You opened them again and stared back at me and I mouthed my 'good morning', you hugged me tight. I turned to see the frail light beaming from the windows. That's it. The night was over. You lifted me off of the bed, I squealed and you laughed. The kind of laugh I wanna wake up every morning to. I've always loved the sound of your laughs.

I remembered the moment I realized I love you. That was the summer after our high school graduation. You were driving, I was riding shotgun. I was going over your phone and nagging you about your girls. I remembered how pissed I was I just stopped speaking. I unbuckled my seat belt because I know how that will freak you out. And you just suddenly grabbed my hand, pulled me into your side and whispered to my ears, I'm all yours. I was taken aback I almost had a heart attack. That was the summer I realized that butterflies are my favorite creatures especially when you make me feel them in my stomach. And that was also the same summer day when you asked me about those things. Feelings. Love. Relationship. I almost jumped in joy.

But the thing is, we make mistakes when we're young.

We miss chances.

We overlook opportunities.

And big time, I did, too.

For so many years, I've waited for the same questions to arrive and promised myself I wouldn't miss the slightest humanly chance I'd get. But I guess, some opportunities are only to be taken advantage of once. Because people change. You can only love and wait for too long. And I've seen you live your life. I've always envied you for that.

Because I envy how happy you are right now.

I want to shout at you for not asking me again.

I want to tell you how sorry I was for not saying the right things back then. 

I want to tell you, how, for the first time in my life, I'm not happy with your decision. 

I wish I could.

I could only wish you'd see that now.

Because I no longer have the heart to tell you this. Not when I was already walking this aisle. Not when you're grinning ear to ear as I mouth 'i love you' while being stunned by you looking very dapper standing at that altar. You pulled me into a tight hug when I reached your side. I was sweating bullets and it took all of my guts to hold back the tears from bursting out. So, no. Not when you need me to be happy for you today. You've done your part of keeping me happy all these years and I have to return the favor no matter what.

Because that's what a best friend should do. Watching each other grow. Supporting each other's life altering decisions. And on this day, I will deliver the hardest speech I'll ever do in my lifetime. 

For letting go. For moving on. For keeping up.