Almost

To my beautiful "hi", and hardest goodbye...

It was one sultry summer night and I was alone, walking under the sunkissed sky.

"Hi," I almost dropped my Gin Rickey as I jolted at your approach, and I flushed as I took a glimpse of you. "H-hello..." I stuttered, not knowing what to say. "A London dry-style gin," you brought out as I nodded while looking at it. "Mm-hmm, I love it." And then I, while mesmerized by your magical smile, don't even know the reason why but I blinked one more time, and I smiled back.

We, then, started sharing words from our simplest thoughts to our deepest. We started sharing interests, and upon knowing we've had same opinions about random things, we started seeing life in parallel views.

We started meeting here and now, and finally, inch by inch, starting to destroy the gap that's keeping us to being strangers from each other. Those friendly dates set only for us are to strengthen the bond that we are yet starting to form. Until we did finally became the closest, and with that, we've been each other's company of laughter and shoulder to cry on.

While another gest kept on happening, something invulnerable, something even us can't halt, we couldn't deniably accept the fact that...

We started falling.

It was one cold Christmas eve, when your words had opened my scars, causing me to bleed.

"You don't deserve me," you said. "You deserve someone better."

I do. I do deserve someone better.

And I chose you to be that someone.

Anyone can be, though, if only they would want to. I chose you but you did not chose me. I chose you, thinking that you might, just might be enough or at least make yourself enough if you still think you're not.

"You're too good for me," you said, while my eyes are yet, forming ocean-like tears. But darling, "No one's too good, neither too less for someone." And that was the last thing that I told you, and the last time I remember that you and I have ever met, after I left you there standing under the snowflakes while I'm bursting into tears, impatient enough to wait for your response. I ran away, hoping that you'll come running after me but you did not.

Honey, it's a matter of choice. It's your choice whether to be too good for me, but you rather not. I wanted to ask you so much to at least try, to try to be that "someone" for me, but I did not. Love was never meant to change anyone by force. It's either you accept them or not, it's either they are enough or not. It's either a "yes" or a "no".

There's no "maybe."

Nothing more, nothing less, not even in between.

I guess we never had accepted nor rejected each other. Neither did we became enough nor insufficient for each other. We never had a "yes" nor a "no".

But an "almost"

Almost.

It's almost the peek of the mountain yet you decided to turn back down.

It's almost the end of this cold month yet you left me alone with no coats on while I shiver.

It's almost sunrise again, yet you left me at sunset.

We almost have it.

We almost made it.

I was almost your everything.

And I hate it that you were almost my happy ending.

And I still hate and love at the same time the fact that you were, you are, and you will always be my favorite almost.

Sincerely yours,

Your beautiful "hi," and easiest goodbye