An Open Letter to my Father

Dear Papang,

It's been, wow, five years of celebrating your birthday without you. We would look at each other and allow our own silence to sing you a happy birthday, every time. To be honest, I find it really hard to add words in this  letter because the truth is, I cannot remember you anymore. It's not that I forget about you, It's more on I'm used to live without you. I don't remember how you looked like anymore, your distinct smell of cigarette smoke, the way your voice sounds, and all that has been physically present before. I no longer miss you every day Pa, but I don't know why  I would tear-up every time I see daughters having a good time with their dads. I no longer think about you every day, but I hate when my friends talk about their dream wedding because I fear to be alone in the traditional father-daughter dance if I will to marry in the future. I no longer look for you Pa, but I would look for concrete posts every time I feel like I fucked up in my actions and decisions. Oh! Don't be sad Pa, I still live up to that one line you told me, "you are me". I am you, so maybe that's the reason why I do not miss you anymore because you never left. Besides, you taught us to face life with strong knees. 

Let me give you an update of what's happening here Pa. Mama is trying her best to be like you, and we appreciate it so much. The hugs I wanted to give you, I give it to her. Kuya is making a scene in the literary world Pa, but he still don't want to wash the dishes. And about your cats, I'm sorry but Tava died already and Faustino never came back. But we have new cats Pa, Toothless, Tummy-tuck, Arnaldo, Cream-cream, and Luke, and yes, we still use our cat language. Your old guitar still works and its strings miss how you pluck the intro of Stairway to Heaven. Lady Gaga is a new person now Pa, not the same artist we used to watch in her weird costumes. I still love her though. And oh! remember the tomato vendor you bribed to let him comment that I'm beautiful, he still thinks that way. lol. The Galindez and Castillo families, even our close relatives never left us Pa, they help us sail on difficult storms. I know that is the most important update you wanted to know. There are so many, so many, things I wanted to tell you Pa but with age comes a lot of responsibilities and I have to go to work now. 

I intentionally refuse to remember the ghosts of your death Pa, but it is only in truth and forgiveness that we can move on. Life is still wonderful without you! And a sad face every time i say that. 

I hope the place we go after this life celebrates birthday. Happy Birthday!

Love, 

Your manster, Den - Den <3