I deserve.

I woke up expressing gratitude to God and Universe. I really do feel grateful for the life I have had, despite those times when I couldn't stop myself from falling apart. As they say, everyone goes through lows and highs of life and so did I. However, I do wonder what is it that I did wrong to have the hard pit fall that I did. 

I loved too hard. Too hard for human kind. Was that a mistake? Is that what we aren't supposed to do? Love people unconditionally. All the songs,literature and motion pictures glorifying love, romance, companionship and unconditionality.. are they all messing with the hearts of people like me into being what the world can't handle and eventually isolating ourselves from the people we knew and could know, only if the highly functional anxiety wasn't turning us into socially anxious, dysfunctional individuals requiring 3 days of reading self help books and innumerable mental debate.. just to get us under the shower. 

I am proud of myself despite the pain I endure each day. But I surely don't feel I deserve this trauma. This fear of expressing my feelings and thoughts. The uncertainity of being minsuderstood and be told "You are too sensitive and have too many expectations!" I do not think I deserve any of it. 

Why can't I expect to be loved by the people who promised to love me back. Why can't I expect concern from the people who showed the same when it was convenient for them.

Is it my fault that I loved so much that I cant breathe some days, and live with a feeling of impending doom and suffer from a loss of cognitive abilities without having a heartbreak those days.

Is it my fault I believed in him more than the brutalities of the 21st century world. Is it my fault I looked over the black and grey areas and focussed on the white.

I don't think so. I'd do it all over again for anyone who loves me. 

If only, someone would give me what I deserve: the love that makes people write and sing.