I Don't Want To Sleep With You

HIM: I don't want to sleep with you.

SHE: I'm sorry?

Location: La Trappiste Pub, Bruges, Belgium

Time: 12:05 am

HIM: It's nothing to be sorry about.

SHE: Do I know you?

HIM: Well, that depends. I walked into this bar about 15 minutes ago. I ordered a beer. I saw you sitting here. Then you saw me seeing you. Then we exchanged glances a few times, given that we're the only two people here. And then I walked over to your table here, and I know you saw me do that. And I think that qualifies as knowing each other, doesn't it?

SHE: This is strange.

HIM: Only temporarily. May I sit down?

SHE: I...

HIM: I'll give you 3 seconds to think of a reason to say no.

SHE: I...well...

HIM: Time's up.

SHE: Alright.

HIM: Alright, what?

SHE: You may sit down.

HIM: Thank you. (sits down)

SHE: So was that a line?

HIM: Which one?

SHE: The 'I don't want to sleep with you'. Have you used this tactic before to start a conversation with a girl?

HIM: Why do they always ask that? (smirks)

SHE: They?

HIM: Is it to know if it has worked?

SHE: Maybe. But most probably to find out if you’re a player who does this a lot. 

HIM: Which one is your reason?

SHE: I’d like to know if it has ever worked.

HIM: You want the truth?

SHE: I want the answer you want to give. Truth or lie, is irrelevant. As long as you can sell it to me, I might believe you.

HIM: Alright, I’ve tried it 3 times.

SHE: And? Were you successful?

HIM: Define success.

SHE: Hmm…how many of the three let you sit down to talk?

HIM: Two.

SHE: What did the third one say?

HIM: She was waiting for her boyfriend, he was on his way.

SHE: Oooh. Did she tell him when he got there?

HIM: Yes.

SHE: And? Did he beat you up or something?

HIM: We laughed it off and got drunk together.

SHE: Really? I’m going to call bluff on that. What happened next? Did they ask you to come home with them for a threesome?

HIM: I do not desire threesomes where there is another guy involved.

SHE: So you’re saying that they didn’t ask?

HIM: I’m saying that my answer either was or would have been no.

SHE: Okay. What about the two girls the line did work on?

HIM: What about them?

SHE: Did you sleep with them?

HIM: At the same time? No.

SHE: Haha. Let me rephrase. Did you sleep with either or both of them the night you met them?

HIM: No.

SHE: Really? What happened?

HIM: Well, one of them didn’t understand me because she didn’t speak english. So that conversation never really went anywhere.

SHE: Hahaha! And the other one?

HIM: She didn’t turn out to be that interesting or fun.

SHE: Wait…so you said no?

HIM: Is that hard to believe that I wouldn’t just sleep with anyone who agrees to sleep with me?

SHE: Hmm…I don’t know yet.

HIM: Okay.

SHE: So why do this? Why come up to a stranger and say that?

HIM: Think about it. Most people that come up to people of the opposite gender at a bar usually are looking for someone to hook up with that night. But what if you’re not? How do you express that?

SHE: So your solution is to literally state your intentions.

HIM: It is an experiment.

SHE: I don’t know. It sounds like a indirect way to get into a girl’s pants.

HIM: Why be so cynical? Isn’t there a slight possibility that I could just be looking for some company and conversation?

SHE: It's not cynicism. It's experienced-based conclusion of facts. Maybe you're too...what's the opposite of cynicism? 

HIM: Optimism.

SHE: Yeah, but in your case I'd call it blind, unnecessary, optimism. (smiles)

HIM: See, I know you're being intentionally insulting for fun, which isn't that far off from what I'm doing in the other direction. I think people are just too scared these days to reach out to another stranger. We've fantasized the idea of meeting a stranger and falling in love - to death; so much so that now we've made it impossible to ever meet our expectations. So I say - when you see someone you want to talk to, just do it. It's a lot easier once you say the first words.

SHE: Interesting. So you have no underlying motives? I find that hard to believe.

HIM: I think what you really find hard to believe is that someone might not be interested in sleeping with you.

SHE: Do you think me so vain?

HIM: I think you’re insulted by the blunt nature of the statement. Me telling you right off the bat that I’m not interested is the opposite of flattery. Because people who do want to sleep with you usually put more effort into it, and wouldn’t really say it directly. And because I said the opposite, you’re hurt.

SHE: So I’m upset that I don’t get to sleep with you? That sounds like a stretch.

HIM: I’m not saying you don’t get to. That hasn’t been decided yet. All I said was, I don’t want to.

SHE: Ah, I see! So if I’m lucky, I can earn your desire to sleep with me?

HIM: Hey, isn’t that how you would treat any other eligible suitor? Isn’t that how you’ve - presumably - decided who gets to take you home in the past?

SHE: I’m not sure if you’re trying to be directly insulting, or just not realizing how mean you sound. But considering I did that to you too, I'll give you the benefit of doubt.

HIM: Hey! That beer is washing away your put-on cynicism.

SHE: Perhaps. But do all optimists have to put down those who aren't? Is that fair?

HIM: Well, that isn’t the goal. And if you're not happy with this conversation, I can leave any time you want.

SHE: (pauses) I’ll let you know when you can.

HIM: Good! Cheers then?

SHE: Cheers, then.

They clink their beer mugs together and down their drinks. No one speaks.

SHE: Well, aren’t you going to offer me to buy my next drink?

HIM: Why would I?

SHE: To continue to conversation? To get me drunk?

HIM: Hey, if you want to get drunk, that’s your decision.

SHE: Hmm, I see. I can’t tell if this indifference is another tactic or just plain honesty.

HIM: Whichever you prefer. That’ll become the truth, wouldn’t it?

SHE: Unless you prove me wrong.

HIM: Look, we don't know each other. So there is no preset existing set of possibilities. We're free to say, to do, to be - whoever we want. And the me I want to be right now is not interested in meeting or exceeding your expectations. But if you would like to assume something, why not assume that I’m just being truthful and honest?

SHE: Because most---

HIM: What? Most guys lie? So you would entirely ignore the possibility that some guy you meet tonight or any other day in the future is just not interested in sleeping with you?

SHE: Well, no, but...

HIM: But what?

SHE: It’s just safer to assume that.

HIM: (pauses) I can’t disagree with you. But...

SHE: But what?

HIM: I understand why you don’t want to believe that. But tell me this, if every guy you meet is presumed to be a douchebag, how will you ever meet the rest of us?

SHE: You see, your question sounded so sincere until you inserted yourself as one of the good guys...

HIM: (cocky, but playful) What, I can’t believe that I’m a good guy? Or are you just deflecting again to not answer the question?

SHE: (pauses, drinks her beer) I…I haven’t thought it through I guess. How to meet the ‘good’ people. It’s not like I can just do a filtered search. The good people that are in my life, I never went looking for them. I just found them. Or they found me.

HIM: So what would you call this? Who find whom?

SHE: Well, given that you used ‘whom’ and not ‘who’, you do get some bonus points.

HIM: Hey! Yay me! (takes a swig of his beer)

SHE: Haha…but really…I don’t know if either of us knows if the other person is a good person yet. I don’t mean to sound like I have high standards…but a conversation over beers over one night isn’t enough time to get to know anyone. Especially given the environment and usual motivations.

HIM: Hmm, you’re right. You know what, this has been more interesting than I expected. So I will buy you the next beer. Just to be nice. And possibly buy some credibility. (winks at her, then yells to the bartender) Two more, please!

The bartender brings the beers, and tells them that’s it. Bar's closing.

SHE: Ah, the universe interferes.

HIM: Indeed. We may be away from a place where time matters, but it still runs everything.

SHE: So, hypothetical situation.

HIM: I love hypotheticals! There’s so much hope and unadulterated desire hidden in that word. What is it?

SHE: Let’s say that I was interested in sleeping with you...

HIM: Ah, the dark side lightens...

SHE: Hypothetically...

HIM: Sure, but still. (winks at her)

SHE: (blushes) Hey! Stay focused. Let’s say I wanted to, what would you say?

HIM: What would I say? I thought I made my stance very clear in the beginning.

SHE: What do you mean?

HIM: Look, hypothetically, even if you wanted to sleep with me, I told you from the beginning I don’t want to sleep with you. What if that wasn’t just a line? What if I was saying to you 'not interested'?

SHE: Ah, I see. The way girls tell guys off at bars by saying they’re not interested right off the bat.

HIM: Yup. However...

SHE: Ah…however, what?

HIM: Once I got to know the person - which in this scenario would be you - I could consider changing my mind.

SHE: Right, so I’d have to earn the privilege of taking you to bed.

HIM: Hey, I never said I was easy.

SHE: Hmm. Alright.

HIM: Alright...what?

SHE: Time has brought with it a new perspective - I want to sleep with you.

HIM: Really?

SHE moves her hand over to his, while moving her entire body forward, slowly, and says ---

SHE: Really.

HIM: Huh.

SHE: Surprised?

HIM: Slightly. Positively.

SHE: Wow. The blind optimist is positively surprised by the put-on cynic. The light side brightens...(pauses) well, my cards are on the table. Tell me, have I earned it?

HIM: I...

SHE: Wait. I’ll sweeten the pot.

SHE pulls out her hotel room key, and puts it in his hand.

SHE: My 'card'...on the table. 

HIM: Dammit. A pun. You're distracting my intellect.

SHE: I believe I'm attracting your intellect. 

HIM: So...(looking at the card on the table) I get to choose?

SHE: Yes. A one-time, fair offer. Take it or leave it.

She gets up, leans over to HIM, and whispers ---

SHE: Am I desirable now?

HIM: I...

SHE starts to walk towards the exit. Then, without looking back, she says ---

SHE: Either way, drinks are on you.

SHE heads outside, quickly followed by HIM.

HIM: That...escalated to a whole new level of desire. You, my darling, are spectacular.

SHE: I know.

SHE kisses HIM on the lips, and then locks her left arm into his right arm as the start walking in the same direction.

SHE: What time is our train in the morning?

HIM: What? We're done?! I wasn't done...

SHE: We're not done, honey! I'm just pausing for information. We'll get back to it, I promise. (rubs his shoulder, then leans her head on it)

HIM: Fine. 11am. We arrive by 6pm, and pick up the kids from your sister’s at 8.

SHE: We might have to have dinner with them.

HIM: Yeah, I was afraid you would say that.

SHE: But let’s not think about that right now. We still have 10 hours of vacation left.

HIM: (kisses her) Yes we do, my love.

SHE: So, I know it’s obvious that I won...

HIM: Uhm, excuse me. How come?

SHE: Well, the goal was to convince the other person to go home with them.

HIM: Yes, but I was the one who had the perfect opening line.

SHE: Which I disproved.

HIM: Yeah, but! Wait...

SHE: Haha! So clever, yet so slow. 

HIM: Hey, I get to sleep with my beautiful wife. It's a win-win.

SHE: You’re right. (kisses him) Un-pause?

HIM: Un-pause.

Author's Note: This story was originally published on October 3, 2015. It's part of an unintended series of stories starring SHE & HIM, you can read by clicking on the titles below -

I Want A Divorce

An Honest Date

The Blind Date Experiment

Also, I wrote another story called SHE v/s HIM, and it's completely unrelated and extremely wacky. It's an interactive life/love story where you choose who's story you want to live. You can check that out here.