Its Over, Or Is It?

I have never felt the way I am feeling right now. I have never felt the void in my life to such an extent that I’m starting to make it a part of my life. The last 24 hours have been torturous. Self-inflicting pain or not is debatable, but pain, yes that is for sure. I met a person in a most random fashion. I never thought that I would get so deeply involved with him though. The main reason for this to happen was because the involvement was at a much deeper level, at a much higher level. I don’t want to sound very cheesy, or clichéd, but I am not able to get over being dumped – dumped by the only guy with whom I’ve been able to connect at all levels. I don’t want to keep ranting about this so called ‘connect’ again and again, I think I’ve established this fact very rigidly.

Right now, right this moment, almost 24 hours after the fiasco, what I am feeling is beyond explanations. The emotions running through my mind is difficult to be documented. From among the multiple emotions, I can explicitly recognize sadness, fear, disappointment and anger. My eyes are heavy from all the tears that escaped and wet my pillow last night. My throat is heavy from the lump that seems to be constantly present since last night. My body is weak and my head is bursting from the inside - but all this is just physical, and just 50% of the entire saga I am going through. The emotional turmoil, though I badly want to, but am not able to jot them down. I think it is majorly because my mind being cloudy with his thoughts.

Well, I think his decision to call it off was hasty and sacrificial, and not selfish like he says it is. But anyways that he might realize later. For now, both of us need to figure out a way in which we can forget about each other and focus on the task at hand. I am at work right now, I think the only way I can stop my mind from thinking about him is to occupy myself with other works. But God save me! Because I can multi-task. My mind is so efficiently trained to think about multiple issues that now, I cannot un-train it to do the very thing that it is extremely good at. I have no idea how I am going to get through this. Maybe by meeting with my friends, watching new movies, listening to songs, sleeping for longer durations, writing etc.

I write to vent out my emotions and feelings, I am more comfortable sharing my thoughts with MS Word than I am with real people. Maybe that’s why I had never told about him to anyone. And maybe that’s why I am not able to talk about him with anyone yet. He has asked me to forget him, but I cannot. He has asked me to not wait for him, but I cannot. He has asked me to block him, and yet again I cannot. I don’t know how I will be able to get over him. I don’t know how I will be able to forget his fragrance. I am scared because I don’t know what future has in store for me or him, and if we are meant to be together, will he accept the fact? Will he accept our relationship?