The Fair One

I remember when I am being bullied when I was 9, no one is there for me and no one cares. I feel so miserable. I just don’t belong. I don’t say much. I can’t explain to anyone.

I’m always out of place. I’m the quiet one. They call me weird. I always have my own company. I don’t have friends, I am always being ostracized.

I remember, I have always been compared to my siblings in my family when I was 10. Are that grades really more important than my mental health? Will they never realize that I am trying so hard just to feel that I am accepted?

I get tired of being what everyone wants me to be. I am feeling so lost. I think every step I take, it’s more like I am about to fall. I don’t know if how much I can handle.

I remember when I was 11, the people I claimed to be my friends always treat me like an option. I’m always isolated, ignored, boring, weak, stupid, failure, sad, and suck. What’s wrong with me? Why do I exist? I never wish to be like this.

I feel like everything I do is a mistake for everyone. Why I am always not enough? I don’t feel great everywhere I go. I want to run from everything. No one knows my tears. No one will understand. Every night I fear for tomorrow.

I remember when I was 12, I have always had a fight with my family. They call me the meanest and rebellious child. Anything pissed me off. I hate everything. I hate school. I hate to study. My grades are not enough. I am not being lazy. I have no motivation to succeed.

I don’t know why I am like this. Everything hurts. I want to scream. I became the horrible child. I’m always the second choice. I’m not the clever one. I’m the talentless one. I’m the leftover one. I’m having difficulties when the teacher will ask choose a member or a partner. My life is a curse.

I remember when I was 13, I am a very introverted individual. I tried to always keep myself alone. I tried to play video games and anything else and I watch too much anime, just to make me feel good that no one else knows that I’m screaming inside.

I always walk alone. It’s not I enjoy solitude. Loneliness is my number one enemy yet I’d cling to this because I have nowhere to go.

I remember when I was 15, I started to become happy because I met someone in my life, yet he gave up on me when I was completely in love with him.

I became so desperate. I ate my pride because I’ve never been broken as much as like this. Every night I don’t sleep much because all I did was to cry in my pillow and I’m feeling so vulnerable. I hate waking up because reality is my nightmare.

I remember when it’s my 16th birthday, I invited no one but him. He became my happiness. I don’t have friends. He said he will go, but after everything, he still didn’t go. Then all of a sudden you will know he already replaced you to someone else. Isn’t ironic if I will call it my “sweet 16th”? All I did was just to cry out burst alone in my room, then I saw my mom cried when she saw me how broken I am. Is this the price I have been waiting for?

Let me ask you, what’s the feeling of being loved and appreciated by others? Aren’t they thankful? What’s the feeling of having true friends that will always choose you and always there for you, sharing each other’s happy moments, secrets, fears and anything that goes in mind.

I became the person who has massive insecurities. I always compare myself to everyone. I want to be beautiful. I want to be loved. I want to be intelligent. I want to be kind. I want to be successful. I want to do anything that my family wants me to be. I want to be happy.

Some will try to sympathize me, but no. I don’t need it. I don’t want you to waste your time. I’m not that special. I want to cry alone, not to cry with you. You guys should go. I’m sorry. I have so much self-pity and I still hate you all.

I’m always defeated. Why I feel like I can’t do everything? Is life really that beautiful? But you just can’t control it. It’s all true. I will never be good enough because no matter what I do. I will never be. Their words in my head, knives me inside. I suck at everything. I live my life fearing my own future. Sorry for not knowing why I am alive.

If I catch someone’s eye, I quickly look away. This is a form of apology. I apologize because I am nothing. Sorry for being so sensitive and emotional. I always look down. I apologize because I’m not the girl that everyone expects me to be. No one will notice my efforts, kindness, struggles, but only my mistakes. I cling to darkness because this is where I belong.

I remember when I was 17, I experienced being touched by God helping me to think that I am still worth it and I should still be courageous fighting even it’s really difficult and scares me. I tried to see the brighter side of everything, even if it’s full of darkness.

I’d seek everything that could help me even I feel so hopeless and inferior. God told me the more results I make, the faster I will reach my destination. Maybe, this is what makes me so strong. I choose to rise from the ashes and I choose to be empathetic than to be bitter. I am weary and burdened, but I choose to kneel, bow, praise, worship and obey.

And lastly, I remember when I was 18, I’ve discovered myself. I am not defined by my past. I am who I am now. God turned my darkness to light. Moving on is not that easy. But it is more difficult if you would not. And I felt the warm, the love, the care by my family. They saw my progression. Thanks to the friends who was there and didn’t give up on me. Blessed are those who seek light, who work hard, even everything seems so hopeless. It's an amazing feeling. Miracles do exist. Nothing can dim the light that shines from within. 

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Thanks for reading. If you are broken inside, it's so easy to say what you really feel. It's difficult to pretend that you're okay. So let it be, your sad. But be sure it's not forever. If you wouldn't give up, the vision will pull you. 

Writing is a way of catharsis, that's why we write. Changing thoughts is effective too. Whenever you wish to change, it takes a lot of time to work for that, but try to pretend that you already are. It'll surely transform you. It's just an amazing feeling, seriously. You will always be blessed in abundance. <3